No matter your gender, if you’re a cam model you’ve probably figured out that your clients are primarily male. It’s no secrets that women seem to be less inclined to these websites, which can be tricky if it’s women you’d rather be talking with.
If you’ve ever seen a show of mine, you would think I’m a bisexual with lots of interest in people, no matter how they identify. That was a lie for my audience. In all truth, I’ve only recently taken on the label of bisexual, and throughout the entire time I was on camera, I was exclusively dating women. Honestly, it was fun pretending to be someone else, but it came with its issues.
Even now, I would say that it’s rare for me to want to date a man. I have been, so obviously I’m not gay, but I certainly lean to one side of the spectrum more than the other. Since being with men wasn’t something I was even considering at the time, it was uncomfortable to constantly have men chase me. On camera wasn’t so bad, because it was a genderless bot typing to me as far as I was concerned. Snapchat was really where the problem was. Constantly, boys faces appeared on my phone screen as they told me how sexy, perfect, beautiful I was. Their eyes looked dull as they requested photos of my body. Never mind the occasional surprise dick pic I would receive. It’s funny, really. I had all these boys at my disposal if ever I wanted an interactive experience, yet I ignored them for low-quality lesbian porn.
The next problem was much harder. I went on plenty of dates, but there was only ever one girl I felt confident enough to tell about this part of my past. She was accepting, embracive even, but it’s no secret that not every reaction would be like hers. Maybe my worry isn’t justified, but I always feared that any girl I would date would not understand a “straight for pay” lifestyle, they would think I wasn’t “gay enough”, or maybe they’d think I only wanted them for male attention. Trying to find a relationship as a cam model felt hard enough as most people look down upon sex workers, but then to add in the extra stress of trying to explain pretending to be into men for cash- well that was hard.
Lastly, it makes you feel like you’re lying. My regulars frequently commented on how “authentic” they believed me to be, yet here I was, pretending to be something I wasn’t. As someone who was already struggling with identity issues, it made things even more confusing for me. I felt guilt, and confusion every time I made up a story about sleeping with a guy because I knew I wanted nothing to do with that. I knew I only wanted to seem available for my male viewers.
No matter your sexual orientation, whether or not you lie about it on screen, you’re valid. I’m not going to lie, being “straight for pay” sucked, but I did it to keep my regulars thinking I was enjoying their unsolicited advances. I didn’t enjoy the discomfort of men flirting with me, the struggles in real life dating, and the fact that I felt I was lying every time I logged in but I did it, and I don’t think that’s something I would change.
Thank you for reading.